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CAUSE ALL MY KINDNESS IS TAKEN FOR WEAKNESS

YOU KNOW I’VE BEEN IN A HOLE FOR A WHILE AND I AM GETTING MYSELF HELP TO GET ME OUT OF THIS FUNK. TO HEAR THAT HOW I WAS FEELING ARE FEELINGS OF HOW SOMEONE WHO WOULD CAUSE SELF HARM TO THEMSELVES. THEY’RE MY FEELINGS. I DON’T WANNA HURT MYSELF. I HAVE HURT MYSELF ENOUGH IN MY LIFE AND PLENTY OF OTHERS HAVE HURT ME ENOUGH. NO IT’S NOT A FUCKIN’ PITY PARTY. I DON’T WANT ANYONE FEELING BAD FOR ME OR HANGING ALL OVER ME. WHERE I AM TODAY I’VE GOT HERE ON MY OWN. I’VE BEEN HURT FOR THE LAST TIME AND FROM HERE ON I WILL NOT ALLOW MY CARING ABOUT PEOPLE AND BEING THERE FOR THEM MAKE ME WEAK OR GET THE BEST OF ME. I’M A BITCH. I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR ANYONE AND I HAVE BEEN FUCKED BY THE SAME PEOPLE OVER AND OVER AGAIN. NO I DON’T LEARN THIS IS WHO I AM. ALL I WANT IS FOR SOMEONE TO FUCKIN UNDERSTAND ME ALREADY. GET IN MY HEAD. UNDERSTAND ALL THE BULLSHIT AND WHY I FEEL THE WAY I DO. SOMEONE TO MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THERE’S MORE TO IT. ALL MY STRUGGLES ARE MY SCARS THAT WILL BE WITH ME ALL MY LIFE TO REMIND ME WHERE I’VE BEEN AND WHERE I’M GOING. I’M NOT ASKING MUCH. IT’S SO GOING TO BE DIFFERENT FROM HERE OUT. IT’S TIME FOR ME TO BE THE SELFISH ONE. I’M DONE WORRYING ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE. DONE DONE DONE

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OPENING THE OVERFLOWING JAR OF MY FEELINGS

Last Friday I went to the psychologist asked me a ton of questions and put me on Wellbutrin. Then on the 23rd I have an appointment with the Therapist. That’s when the fun begins. I told the Doctor how i was feeling. I have been in a funk since May. for different reasons and things that had happened. i just clamped up and just didn’t care about things and gave a I don’t give a shit attitude. for almost 6 years my life has change to a life i’m not happy with. one that i have problem getting use to. one that makes me angry. i know they say never look back always move forward. but how do you get out of feeling like your a burden to everyone. how do you get use to having to depend on people when you never had to before. how do you get use to being stuck in a house all day while everyone else is living life. before all this i had the life i was happy with. i had an awesome job. i had money for what i needed and wanted. i had my own apartment. i was making it on my own. i didn’t have to depend on anyone. i paid my bill and my rent. i had my pup that i took care of. i didn’t have to answer to anyone. i did whatever i wanted not having to ask or tell anyone what i was doing or buying. i was able to walk. i wasn’t overweight. i was independent. i had my own life. now it’s all gone. that feeling of i accomplished what everyone said i was going to fail at. all gone. It’s all been replaced by this wheelchair. living in my sister’s house. my dad has my dog. all my things from my apartment gone. all my friends from new york gone. my paycheck replace with a disability check which i made more than in a week that i now get in a month. oh and my mom died to start the down slide of my life. in between that for a year i took care of my grandmother. was with her all day. the woman had dementia and sundowning. i was the womens favorite grandchild. i put up with her everyday calling me a cripple, no good, bitch. listen to her tear my family apart while she praised her pieces of shit son and daughter who wanted nothing to do with their mother only wanted her money. when she died she left me and my sister my moms share of her inheritance. it bothered my aunt so much that my grandmother did that. not one of those pieces of shit thank us for taking in my grandmother. or helped us with expenses. when it got to be to much. i on my own made the decision it was to much for us to take care of her. i didn’t ask anyone. i went there and said i can’t take care of her anymore. i am the one who had to listen to my aunt and uncle bitch that i dumped her. but none of them offered to take her in an care for her or offer to get a nurses care. i am the one who went an visit her in the nursing home all the time. where was her perfect piece of shit son or her phony ass daughter/ funny how they showed up when she died. my aunt never bothered with her mother. my aunt and grandmother couldn’t stand each other. my aunt never bother with any of us. only around the holiday we act like the perfect loving family. my uncle use to be like a brother to my sister and i until he stopped talking to the family for over 13 years and when my mom died he came around. my uncle only bothers with us when he needs something. he was always like that. hes dying of cancer. last time we heard from him was in MAY. he could be dead now for all i care. my aunt , my uncle and my mom weren’t even talking to each other when she died. having to listen to those phonies how they were gonna do right by her. how it eats them up that my mom died and they all weren’t talking to each other. karma is eating away at them. am i heartless …no they deserve it. they stole from their mother and sucked the life out of my mom. i don’t have room in my life for useless trash and that is what they are. i haven’t ever hated someone so much as i hate the both of them. but out of respect for my mom when they die i will go to their funeral but i cannot promise having a nice thing to say about either one of them.

my thoughts and feelings are all over the place. does anyone know how it feels to feel empty inside/ my shift key is not working on my keyboard. empty that’s how i feel.

i bought a boat. what a waste of money i spent on that. love being on the water and fishing. but i have to depend on people to go on it. ask me how many times i was on it this past summer. once and that was to put the fkn thing in the water. everyone working. my nephew broke his ankle so of course they don’t wanna be on the water. i keep saying this year is gonna be different. i hope i stick to it.

i can go on and on but im rambling and i have friends coming over that i need to get ready for. so for now i’m do and i’ll be back again. I know to some i might sound like a whiney little bitch but these are my feelings. in order for me to move forward in life i need an outlet and this right now is my outlet.

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NEW YEAR FRESH START

Happy New Year everyone!! I waited till the New Year to comeback. A fresh start here and in life. I chose today to start eating healthy and I started Friday getting better mentally. New approach! I hit my low and finally gave into going to seek help. I have been stuck to long. Friday I went to for appointment for therapy I saw the nurse first who asked me tons of questions and this Friday I have an appointment with the Dr who will prescribe me medications and they have me on a waiting list for a Therapist to talk to. I held back on some of my answers cause I’m afraid of the outcome. I have it in my head that they will put me in a padded room. Guess we will see what happens on Friday.

My Blog is going to be different this time around. It’s going to be my journey out of this dark place I have been for too long. To find my happiness again. I’m going to share it here so that a year from now I can look back to see how far I’ve come and to see what I’ve accomplished and what I still need to work on. Wish me luck!

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When is enough really enough???

I really don’t get people sometimes. This is why I’m very picky about who I let into my life. I’ve been hurt too many times to let anyone me wholey. I have been dropped twice in my life be friends I’ve been friends with for years. Both times I did not do anything. The first cause I kept a secret another friend told me and when my friend knew I knew and didn’t say anything dropped me didn’t speak to me for along time well over 10 years then apologizes to me life is too short to hold grudges. And I just couldn’t give in cause I was hurt. The 2nd was a friend I was friends with for over 14yrs dropped me at the time my mom died. Told me I didn’t do anything wrong but since I was in the circle of friends ( and cousin ) she couldn’t talk to me anymore. So now here is my friend I use to live with in NY. A lot of shit went on. I moved away to be closer to my family after Mom died. And again like I don’t matter. I called all the time since I moved, sent christmas and birthday gifts. I went and visited. One sided friendship. What hurt most was she got married and had a baby and didn’t included me in anything. Tells me I’m like a sister blah blah blah but didn’t ever talk about her wedding shit to me and even if i brought it up change subject or whatever. Same thing with baby shower. I blew up to her Mom about it. The topper was the baby christening she wasn’t even gonna tell me. So I decided to walk away. I mean how much more bullshit am I gonna take. I’m tired of crying and giving chances. I stopped calling, won’t go visit, stopped sending gifts, stopped texting ( not as much ) in the pass 2 weeks shes been texting me how she misses my friendship , the old days….blah blah blah. So it takes me to walk away. I’m tired of getting hurt! I’m tired of getting walked all over! I’m tired of feeling I don’t matter to anyone. And I’m not gonna get sucked back in to getting hurt by anyone anymore. I can’t!! When is enough enough?

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Here I am again!

I’m hoping this time this is going to be easier to stick to since everyone is back to school and work. I really have no excuses now. No one is home till 3:15pm.

Monday & Wednesdays back to kickboxing
Mon, Wed & Fri back to the gym
and Tues, Thurs workout at home

Sunday and Saturday rest days

Monday starts again…Back on the morning shakes and figure out a perfect eating menu. Since the last time I have blogged I have been working out in spurts and did the shake thing for 2 whole weeks straight. But now that summer is over the parties will start to die out. I need to make this my moment I have till now and May to get in shape and work on me. I have to try not to fall into my normal winter funk. This shit is really hard.

Well I’m officially back come Monday.

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IF IT DOESN’T MAKE YOU HAPPY LET IT GO….

I’ve decided to clean out the closet of my life of things and people that don’t make me happy anymore. To clear the things in my life that add to my stress and my negative feelings. Is it wrong for me to do?? Maybe but for right now I need to rid my life of things that eat at me. I need to do what’s best for me! Right now that’s all that matters to me. I have to fix me first before anything else in my life otherwise I’ll never get out of this sink hole I’m in. So first thing I did was quit taking score for the softball team. I quit because this year it bothered me so much I didn’t wanna take score anymore I wanted to play but I can’t. I said last year I was gonna lose this weight and walk again …. never happened! This weight and not walking is the biggest stress in my life. I need to focus on doing what I said losing the weight and get walking again. There are a few people I need to drop out of my life also. I feel bad quitting . I enjoy the team and hanging out with my friends having laughs but it’s not so enjoying for me this year letting it depress me. So that was my first step.

I went to the gym twice this week. I wanna make it a habit to go more. I actually feel great after a nice workout. I need to get my strength back mentally and physically that’s all that matter right now. I need to rid my mind & body of all this negativity

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HERE’S TO STARTING OVER

Clean slate on life I’m giving myself. I am the ruler of my happiness. I let negative shit & people in my head. I let stress enter MY life again. I became weak! Nah, I am not letting it defeat me. It’s not who I am and It’s not going to be who I ever become. I’ve hit my rock bottom and I’m going to climb out of it one step at a time. I am going to fix me for me. It’s true I need to do this for me and NOBODY else! I have to find my happiness and strength again. When I do there is no stopping! I totally hit the lowest point in my life. I’ve embarrassed myself and I’m ashamed of myself for giving up on myself and letting everyone see me that way. Nothing in life is easy I know that and nothing in my life has ever come easy. I’m a fighter always have been. Allowing the negative thoughts of giving up into my head…. on life! Nah, that’s not me!! I don’t know why I let it all get to me. It scares me! I need to find out where or what went wrong and fix it. I let my guard down. I need to build again.

I went to the gym today! When I was working out and blogging I was feeling go. I relieve my stress at the gym and in my writing so here I am again! Which the gym should work out great this time cause my friend joined.

So first day at gym this is what I did

Shoulders 10 sets of 10 @ 30lbs
biceps 10 sets of 10 @ 30lbs
triceps 10 sets of 10 @ 90lbs
abs 10 sets of 10 @ 70lbs
chest 10 sets of 10 @ 50lbs

and it felt great!

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IF I COULD JUST SCREAM & LET IT ALL OUT…..

I am so truly so frustrated with myself…..my life!!!!! So tired of it! I honestly do feel like I’m on my own. I just can’t find my strength, my willpower,my passion, my reason! I feel like I exist to just exist. I was doing good then I just let everything and everyone get to me. I want my life back and I can’t figure out a way to go about it. Everything I’ve done and do I just fall back to square one. How do people stick to one path and never get sidetracked? I’m so afraid to say how I feel and where I think I’m headed. I have so many people around me but yet feel so lonely. Does that make any sense? My best to me doesn’t seem good enough and all I do is never enough. I have unreachable goals. Nothing in my life seems mine I have to depend on everyone. It’s not me, It’s not who I was and it’s so not who I wanna be for the rest of my life. I’m tired of just going with the flow. Sucking it all in! The past couple of weeks have been hell to me. I’m tired of feeling like my feelings don’t matter. I just wanna runaway…..fix me and comeback and say look at me now bitches!! but since I can’t run there is nowhere to go.

I really let my emotions get to me and I never done that before. I let build up. ON the 4th I drank soooo much. I hardly ate anything. I don’t really remember anything from that day. I just heard from everyone. I woke up the next morning in my bed. I was a mess! I puked several times when they got me in my room. And I’m embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I drank so much my sister said they were thinking to take me to ER if I had alcohol poisoning. Well I haven’t touched liquor since then. Just a couple of beers and lots of water this past weekend. I was so stressed all week I fought with my best friend from NY and her mom then found out my best male friend that moved up here got engaged. But he didn’t tell me and I spoke to him the day before. A friend text me OMG Joe is getting married and I said Joe who…my Joe? She’s like yeah it’s on facebook and she sent me pic. I was hurt and upset cause I just spoke to you and this is the way I have to find out. We are like family he had so many hard times and I was always there for him. Then he comes here on the 4th with his daughter who I haven’t seen or spoken to in like 4 1/2 years cause of him. Who use to be a kid with a good head on her shoulders now she’s 19 and is like a Miley wanna be ass hanging out thug talking. Ugh! The fight with my friend and her mom realy got to me making me feel guilty that I haven’t seen her baby or them in like a year in a half. I’m tired of it. It’s like a 1 sided friendship. I don’t drive and you been around where I live to visit your dad. Fuckin come visit me. I don’t matter! My feelings don’t matter! Enough already! for once all the ones that stress me I would love to see them do an ounce of what I did for them. For once I would love to feel important to feel special to feel like I matter. everything i do i do from my heart and it feels like it’s never enough ….. something has to give! I need to get away!

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IT’S BEEN A WHILE

It’s been a while since I posted. I was doing good then I lost my gym partner. Which I know it’s no excuse but it’s so much easier going with someone cause you don’t wanna let them down. When you’re on your own it’s so easy to say everyday….. I’ll go tomorrow ( which we all find out tomorrow never happens ) I did go a couple of times but didn’t last long. I worked out at home a few times but didn’t last long either. Kickboxing didn’t last long either. They close on weekends now till Labor Day and the Mondays & Wed is softball days ( I take score ) I’m in such a funk! I have been having good times but my life is not how I want it. No one understands how I feel and I really don’t express. I really don’t wanna express how I feel anymore to anyone I know. Only I can fix how I feel. I’m getting frustrated with having to have help. I hate this fkn chair so much I want to take a sledge hammer to it already. I’m mad at myself for not being strong enough to stick with what I want. I’m tired of depending on people! I can’t get to the gym unless I ask for a ride. I can’t stand taking score in softball anymore cause I wanna play…. I wanna be part of the team. I use to love playing ball. It angers me. It angers me I can’t do the things I use to do. It angers me cause ever fkn day I imagine how different my life could be. It angers me seeing everyone enjoy the things I wanna do but can’t do. It angers me cause I don’t know how to get back everything I lost and I don’t want to accept the fact that this damn chair is my life now. NO!! It’s a burden to everyone and most of all me! I am never going to overcome my anger. I tried and I failed over and over again.

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It’s Only Gets Better!

So on Wednesday I went to Kickboxing with my friend. We kicked ass! The News people were there filming because the instructor is doing a fundraiser for a boy who lost his life. My friend and I so didn’t wanna be on TV the instructor said suck it up it’s for a good cause and she is absolutely right! It was an awesome workout! Finally got to punch the pads that they hold..I so thought my friend was gonna knock me out lmfao! Oh was really sore all day yesterday but that’s a good thing :) I’m really feeling good about myself…. I feel the difference!! I said that on this journey I wanted to inspire people but didn’t realize I would really inspire myself. It really is an amazing feeling!