self esteem

I’M BACK!!

I’m back! I’ve had my ups and downs since I last posted. I’ve done this blog because it’s my outlet instead of holding in everything. Holding shit in in my past is what almost killed me. I’ve done a lot and been through a lot since I last posted. You guys are my shrink! I’ve done my share of partying this year. Alcohol and pot got me through a lot. being numb to everything seems to be the best medicine. I cut a lot of people out of my life and I kept to myself a lot. I’m trying to find me and take care of me. My carefree life sometimes scares the shit out of me. I have plenty of friends and a small close family but I like to keep to myself. I like or should say love my alone time but i’m also afraid to be alone………does that make any sense?

So why am I back on this blog? Cause I need my outlet once again. For the past 3 months I’ve been exercising and eating healthy. I have an amazing Coach and a wonderful support group. I joined Beachbody , I drink Shakeology while doing plenty of exercises . When I started I was 222bs I am now 209lbs……… I know don’t seem like much but my Coach taught me to hide the scale it’s so much more than numbers on that damn scale. I’ve lost a lot of inches ( which i never measured) and I gained muscles. I gained a lot of confidence and I have been getting compliments.

I need this blog more than ever now cause I don’t want to go back to that dark place I once was in. If you read anything in my blog ( I know I deleted a lot) you know what I’m talking about. Everything has been going great until 2 weeks ago my Dad died. He called us saying he was having trouble breathing we got to his house within 5 minutes he walked out of house slumped and weak looking my sister rushed to call EMS. My brother in law and I sat him down on steps I held his hand he looked at me I said Dad are you ok does your chest hurt he tried to talk slurring shook is head and slumped over and stopped breathing. My sister and brother in law began CPR until ambulance came them they continued CPR for another 30 minutes. They tried so hard and his heart wouldn’t restart. They called it and they put a blanket over him on the steps and for the next 45 minutes while waiting for coroner all I could do was stare in shock at my dad’s lifeless body……….i couldn’t cry just stare. It all just happened so fast. He was gone! we all just went out the night before he was fine. It doesn’t make any sense.

The only thing I keep saying to myself is that I know Dad is happy now cause he’s with Mom again his true love. He’s been heartbroken since the day she died. Next month will be 9 years since Mom has past. They are finally together again.

I’m still numb and I have my bad moments. I’ve been drinking and smoking pot to stay numb. My sister and I have sooooooo much to do. It’s so hard going in that house. I haven’t been in that house in years cause I couldn’t be in it cause my Mom wasn’t there now my Dad isn’t there. He fixed that house for me to live in and I will not live there. We decided to keep the house cause that’s the only thing we have of our parents. My nephew is going to move in after he graduates this year with a couple of friends.

I called my Dad every day after my workouts. He would tell me how proud he was of me and to stick with it. Now what do I do??? My Dad was with us every day. We did so much together.

I went back to working out today and it kills me so much that I can’t pick up that phone and call him and hear his voice and his laugh and his silly little comments. I’m lost! WTF happened! I’m so angry! I just wanna punch the shit out of every thing. But I’m choosing to , well hopefully to take my anger into working out and not going down that dark path I did when Mom died. I’m scared about slipping into the darkness again. I don’t want to revisit that horrible place ever again. I’m hoping throwing myself into working out every day and blogging will prevent that. only time will tell.

#goshorty #whateverittakes

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STARTING OVER HAS NEVER EVER BEEN EASY

 

It’s been a while. A lot has happened and a lot has changed in my life. I have gotten lost within myself and have kept a lot to myself. I always have been a person with walls built around me not to let to many in. Those walls have always kept me from being weak and getting hurt. Couple of years ago I started little by little breaking down my walls. I have come to realize it was the worse thing I ever did. I have lost who I was. I have allowed myself to be hurt over and over again without a fight. Worrying about how others feel and are when in return not getting the same back. I have never trusted easy and when I started to do that it made me not trust even more. I go through this depression every year around this time. I’ve been to shrinks , I’ve been put on meds…………I don’t need that shit…..I don’t need to be pumped with meds to what make my true feelings disappear….have a total stranger how I should feel or shouldn’t feel. Be afraid to open up what I’m truly feeling so they can put me away or pump more meds in me and then have everyone say oh she really don’t feel that way. This pass summer I pushed everyone away. I kept myself busy with concerts and other things. I did for 2 reasons the major reason being I’m still not happy with myself feeling like i’m a burden to everyone and the 2nd being I want to live out my bucket list. I am going to be 45 and I just have stuck in my damn head my Mom died when she was 60. I have 15 years to live out the things I always wanted to do. And I’m going to do them. I’m all over the place in this post but I hoping in this new year to finally get myself together. only time will tell if I can find myself again.

Determination

If you want something so bad you go for it!! You don’t quit and you don’t allow anything to get in your way of what you want!! NOTHING AND NOBODY!!!! I want this so bad and I’m NOT throwing in that fkn towel!!! I’m a fighter………I have always been!!! Even the greatest fighters in the world get knockdown but just like those great fighters they get right back up and kick ass and that is gonna be me. No more pitty party for me that is not who I am!!! Never was and not going to be who I become!! It’s all about me !!! I made up my mind this is gonna be MY championship fight!!! Forget all the other things I wrote yes, they are my past and yes, that is how I feel but I forgot my past, my scars and my feelings are what I’m made of… one strong determined person!! My anger is what fuels me to be better……to show the world yes I may be overweight, I may be handicapped but what I’m not is a quitter!!! I’m gonna win and y’all are gonna witness the greatest fight in the world!!! This is a whole new blog!!! A whole new life!!

Today is going to be 4 days in a row working out. Scale still in hiding lol!! I will only weight in once a month on that evil lil bitch lol. Monday I’m going back to the gym I have been paying for and not going to. Over the weekend I will make my playlist for my IPod.

I must share with you all my best friend posted a song on my facebook page (that she said made her think of me) a music video by Rascal Flatts call Stand. I listen to this song and it made me feel amazing! Even more amazing my friend thought of me and shared it with me. It’s so what I needed!!! xoxoxoxo Y’all need to listen to it!!!

I DID IT!!!

I did 50 squats then my legs cramped up but I DID IT!! I worked out 2 days in a row. Yesterday I did full upper body workout and I was doing the same today and I just said Fk it I’m going to try and I did it…………50 of them!!! Yeah me!!!

I’m still going on

I’m still in my funk but I’m not backing out of what I want. If I keep moving forward maybe I can work myself out of this funk. I decided Ii’m not going to weight myself for a while cause that scale just adds to my funk. I’m going to continue to try to eat right and working out. The pass 2 days I got a workout in and I intend to do a workout today. I got my music blasting getting ready to workout.

Yesterday I had my 2 glasses of water when I got up in the morning and then had a cup of coffee and a banana. I did a 1/2 hour work out with 5 lb weight I worked out my upper body and I did some thigh and leg workout. For lunch I had a salad and smoked white fish. Then for dinner we went to Red Lobster for my Nephew’s birthday. I had salmon, broccoli, small potato, salad, 1 biscuit and 2 piece of shrimp chili hot style. And 1 lobsterita ( I needed a drink ) and a seltzer. Not the perfect day

Today is my nephew’s actual birthday we are going to see American Idiot with a bunch of his friends. So after school I’m ordering pizza for him and his friends then off to see the show. Today I intend to workout for more than a 1/2 hour. My body felt good after the workout yesterday. I so wanna keep this up every day then when the snow finally goes away I wanna go back to that gym I have been paying for. My legs I intend to workout at home and workout my upper body at the gym. I love the machines there. So I’m thinking after I work out I will make a nice healthy breakfast and then when lunch time comes around i’m going to have a healthy shake. I have no clue what we are doing for dinner.

Once the nicer weather comes I hope to really get out of this funk and stay committed to trying to lose weight. So I think I’m not going to weight myself till 4/5 ….well let me get start I have a lot to do today. Thank you everyone for your continued support and comments. it means a lot xoxoxoxox

I wanna say what I wanna say

I have been emotional the past couple of days. I’m bottled up. I don’t say what I wanna say or how I’m feeling. I’m afraid to express my feelings. Or my actions or others actions. I really never open up to my family cause they just say that’s not how I’m feeling or just ignore what I say. I stopped telling my best friend how I’m feeling about certain things cause I don’t wanna push her away or sound like a debbie downer or complainer. I so fuckin’ frustrated!!! ( excuse my language please ) I could put up a front that I’m happy. I don’t wanna talk to stupid doctors….shrinks! I just want someone to listen to me and not fear they are gonna just think that’s not how I feel and walk away. I hate being in this fkn chair. I hate being this fat. I hate people drawing attention to the person in the wheelchair. I hate being stared at. I hate needing help. I hate that my fkn parents didn’t do anything for me when I was a kid. I try to let go and I can’t cause every day of my fkn life is a constant reminder. I feel like I’m an inconvenience to everyone with this damn chair. My brother in law complains when having to put in car, my sister makes remarks when i bang into doorways, …….you think i wanna be in this fkn chair. I just wanna lose this damn weight to work on strengthening my legs to walk again. I want this so freakin’ bad. I want this for me! I just want everyone to know how I feel …….what i want……………that’s all

Small steps in the right direction

Today is day 5 of my journey to a new me. Today marks 2 days in a row that I have worked out. I did 30 minutes on the air stepper, 1 hour on the ab flex belt and 3 set of 10 each for neck, chin and jaw toning. I feel awesome. I drank 2 glasses of water as soon as I woke up this morning. I had a glass while working out and I had one with lunch. So that is 4 glasses so far. I’m getting there. I can’t wait to weigh in on Tuesday. I feel different I feel good.

Going out tonight testing my self control but I am going to eat before going out so I won’t be tempted to have some of those delish bowling alley fries. I think I got this.

Next week I’m going to try different exercises. Something that helps shed so weight from my thighs & a$$. LMAO!!! Have a good night all 🙂

Food Bowl winning…………….Just give me a reason

Yes food bowl winning. I mean I didn’t do that bad I ate right for breakfast. I didn’t have lunch and for dinner my sister made pasta with shrimp and bread. Pasta! I was trying to eat less carbs and that dinner was full of them. Plus I did a couple of shots of Fireball. Do I just give up and start over on Monday?? Enjoy the Super Bowl with my family & friends not worrying what I’m eating or drinking??? That’s seems to be what I’ve been doing every week. I mean I should complain I started at 240 and as of yesterday I was 230lbs. I mean I should be happy I lost 10lbs but why can’t I stick to it or have the willpower to wanna keep going? I don’t have that drive anymore. I lost it when my Mom died. When she was alive I pushed myself to prove to her I wasn’t going to amount to nothing that I don’t need anybody. I proved it big time. They all moved to PA & I lived in NY on my own ( I did have a roommate ) But I had an awesome job making awesome money. I had money to pay my rent, my bills , put food on the table, money to have a good time. I didn’t need anything from anybody I was doing it on my own. Never ask for money the whole time. The shocker my Mom was proud of me. It was a great feeling. Now she’s gone I have nothing to prove. I’ve shown I could do it!!! I’m suppose to want this for myself……….what is the problem??? It’s so hard when there is so much going on and I enjoy being around my friends and family having good times. Maybe it is because I have so much anger built up and holding my feelings in………,maybe I do need to let the demons out. Maybe I need to rebuild me from the inside out first.

Super Bowl VS. Food Bowl

I love the Super Bowl ( I love Football .. Giants fan) Love the thrill of it all! Getting together with great friends laughing and cheering. Fighting over plays and laugh at the commercials. Having a betting pool. It’s awesome!!! But the best thing is the food!!!! Beers & wings!! OMG!!!! Heaven!!! We have a Super Bowl party every year. So we do a lot of cooking. Ugh! I sooooo wannna stick to my diet but no way is this going to happen with all the food & alcohol around. I love to cook!!! I love food! As soon as I hear someone wants to go food shopping I’m in……….regular shopping no thanks!! Buffalo wing or some veggies????? You’re lying if you said veggies!!! My sister brought wings home from this place where I live ……….god they make awesome wings. So there I went had 4 wings yesterday for lunch so here it goes………….. Super Bowl 0 Food Bowl 1 ……………..so far food bowl is winning!!! This is going to be a rough weekend!!! ugh

The road to a new me………………is it so much to want or ask for???

So still sticking to my diet and feeling antsy today. I weighted myself this morning 228lbs not bad. I have a long road ahead of me and I wish it wasn’t so damn hard. So for breakfast I had an egg with black beans & salsa with half of an avocado. My downfall was the 2 cups of coffee. So hard to stop drinking that damn cup of coffee. I’m trying to stick with the lemon & water or green tea. I know they say to drink at least 8 8oz glasses of water ugh I just hate drinking water for some reason. Tonight making chicken fajitas instead of the wrap i’m going to use lettuce and make brown rice and beans. I have to get in a workout! I need a routine I guess and stick to it. I guess it’s like they say Rome wasn’t built in a day. One day at a time!!!