Journey

I’M BACK!!

I’m back! I’ve had my ups and downs since I last posted. I’ve done this blog because it’s my outlet instead of holding in everything. Holding shit in in my past is what almost killed me. I’ve done a lot and been through a lot since I last posted. You guys are my shrink! I’ve done my share of partying this year. Alcohol and pot got me through a lot. being numb to everything seems to be the best medicine. I cut a lot of people out of my life and I kept to myself a lot. I’m trying to find me and take care of me. My carefree life sometimes scares the shit out of me. I have plenty of friends and a small close family but I like to keep to myself. I like or should say love my alone time but i’m also afraid to be alone………does that make any sense?

So why am I back on this blog? Cause I need my outlet once again. For the past 3 months I’ve been exercising and eating healthy. I have an amazing Coach and a wonderful support group. I joined Beachbody , I drink Shakeology while doing plenty of exercises . When I started I was 222bs I am now 209lbs……… I know don’t seem like much but my Coach taught me to hide the scale it’s so much more than numbers on that damn scale. I’ve lost a lot of inches ( which i never measured) and I gained muscles. I gained a lot of confidence and I have been getting compliments.

I need this blog more than ever now cause I don’t want to go back to that dark place I once was in. If you read anything in my blog ( I know I deleted a lot) you know what I’m talking about. Everything has been going great until 2 weeks ago my Dad died. He called us saying he was having trouble breathing we got to his house within 5 minutes he walked out of house slumped and weak looking my sister rushed to call EMS. My brother in law and I sat him down on steps I held his hand he looked at me I said Dad are you ok does your chest hurt he tried to talk slurring shook is head and slumped over and stopped breathing. My sister and brother in law began CPR until ambulance came them they continued CPR for another 30 minutes. They tried so hard and his heart wouldn’t restart. They called it and they put a blanket over him on the steps and for the next 45 minutes while waiting for coroner all I could do was stare in shock at my dad’s lifeless body……….i couldn’t cry just stare. It all just happened so fast. He was gone! we all just went out the night before he was fine. It doesn’t make any sense.

The only thing I keep saying to myself is that I know Dad is happy now cause he’s with Mom again his true love. He’s been heartbroken since the day she died. Next month will be 9 years since Mom has past. They are finally together again.

I’m still numb and I have my bad moments. I’ve been drinking and smoking pot to stay numb. My sister and I have sooooooo much to do. It’s so hard going in that house. I haven’t been in that house in years cause I couldn’t be in it cause my Mom wasn’t there now my Dad isn’t there. He fixed that house for me to live in and I will not live there. We decided to keep the house cause that’s the only thing we have of our parents. My nephew is going to move in after he graduates this year with a couple of friends.

I called my Dad every day after my workouts. He would tell me how proud he was of me and to stick with it. Now what do I do??? My Dad was with us every day. We did so much together.

I went back to working out today and it kills me so much that I can’t pick up that phone and call him and hear his voice and his laugh and his silly little comments. I’m lost! WTF happened! I’m so angry! I just wanna punch the shit out of every thing. But I’m choosing to , well hopefully to take my anger into working out and not going down that dark path I did when Mom died. I’m scared about slipping into the darkness again. I don’t want to revisit that horrible place ever again. I’m hoping throwing myself into working out every day and blogging will prevent that. only time will tell.

#goshorty #whateverittakes

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STARTING OVER HAS NEVER EVER BEEN EASY

 

It’s been a while. A lot has happened and a lot has changed in my life. I have gotten lost within myself and have kept a lot to myself. I always have been a person with walls built around me not to let to many in. Those walls have always kept me from being weak and getting hurt. Couple of years ago I started little by little breaking down my walls. I have come to realize it was the worse thing I ever did. I have lost who I was. I have allowed myself to be hurt over and over again without a fight. Worrying about how others feel and are when in return not getting the same back. I have never trusted easy and when I started to do that it made me not trust even more. I go through this depression every year around this time. I’ve been to shrinks , I’ve been put on meds…………I don’t need that shit…..I don’t need to be pumped with meds to what make my¬†true feelings disappear….have a total stranger how I should feel or shouldn’t feel. Be afraid to open up what I’m truly feeling so they can put me away or pump more meds in me and then have everyone say oh she really don’t feel that way. This pass summer I pushed everyone away. I kept myself busy with concerts and other things. I did for 2 reasons the major reason being I’m still not happy with myself feeling like i’m a burden to everyone and the 2nd being I want to live out my bucket list. I am going to be 45 and I just have stuck in my damn head my Mom died when she was 60. I have 15 years to live out the things I always wanted to do. And I’m going to do them. I’m all over the place in this post but I hoping in this new year to finally get myself together. only time will tell if I can find myself again.