fighting back

What this blog is all about

This blog is about my life. Plain and simple. I want to inspire people with my journey. I want the world to know my story. I have my up and downs like everyone else. This blog is also to help myself. I’m on a journey to becoming a better version of myself. Getting to know myself. But also for you to get to know me and maybe what I’ve been through you we have some similar stories.

So lets me start off by introducing myself. My name is Danielle. I am 46 years old. I was born in Queens,NY and I now live in PA. I was born with Congential Rickets so I was told. What is it?? Congential Rickets is a vitamin D deficiency in the mother’s blood. I don’t know much about it. But my right leg is crooked like at a 40 degree angel and I’m short. But able to walk. Growing up it was never spoken about in my family and I really never asked. If it wasn’t spoken about it didn’t exist. But all I can tell you is life wasn’t easy growing up being stared at and made fun of. I grew up keeping my feeling and thoughts to myself. I was always defensive and very angry. I grew up resenting my parents for the life I had to live. I often wondered why nothing was ever done for me or if anything can be done for me. I never asked because I was afraid to know anything. I have a sister she’s perfectly fine. I was bit of a rebel growing up. Always fighting with my Mom and hanging out doing the wrong things. I guess trying to fit in and find my place.

My Mom passed away almost 10 years ago. She died from a heart attack and had diabetes. My whole family lived in PA. I was still living in NY at the time of her death. At the hospital after her last breath I told my Dad I was moving to PA. I didn’t want to miss out on time with my Dad, my sister and my nephew. During that time I was already having issues walking and lots of pain. I moved up here I drank a lot, ate a lot and became very depressed. I gained a lot of weight and ended up in a wheelchair. I lost my independence which made me more depressed because I hate asking or depending on people for help. I am very stubborn and hate any attention brought to me. I went to the doctors and started a disability claim. Doctors looked at me like I was a freak. They would bring in other doctors to look at me and fill my head with false hope. Until the final Doctor I saw said there isn’t anything we can do for you. If you would have come when you were younger we may have been able to correct your leg. I can’t even explain the anger and hurt I was feeling at that moment. That I had to face my Dad when I walked out of that office. I said nothing. He went to get the car I called my sister yelling and crying just asking WHY. Then I told my Dad in the car what the Doctor had said and I asked him Why didn’t you and Mommy do anything for me? His reply was I didn’t know anything your Mother handled all that. MY FATHER!!! I was his daughter how do you not know. I looked at him and snapped that’s right you didn’t cause you were too busy getting drunk at the bar all the time. And after that day I never spoke to my Dad about it again. I would only tell my sister about my visits.

I continued living my carefree life. Drinking, over eating, smoking some pot. Plain and simple not taking care of myself. 4 years ago I started to try working out and lose some weight but never stuck to anything. I was having to much fun but hate the way I looked. I weighted 248lbs! WHAT!!! That’s more than double for someone my size!!!! It wasn’t till almost a year ago I said enough is enough. I saw a relative of mine online always posting her workout videos and looking all good. She reached out to me told me she help me out so I committed to becoming healthier. She is a fitness coach and she’s awesome. My Coach doesn’t let me quit! She believes in me and I’ve learned to be believe in me also.  I start posting about it and my Dad told me every day how proud he was of me. I told him I didn’t want to get diabetes and I was afraid because of all that weight I developed sleep apnea and my breathing was horrible. Something had to be done. This was a blessing! I was working out and eating better. I lost 22lbs from when I started.

Then this October my Dad called us that he wanted to go to the hospital cause he didn’t feel good. This man never would go to the Doctors or want to go to a hospital. We knew something was wrong and rushed over. He looked horrible! He stumbled outside hunched over. My brother in law screamed out to my sister call an ambulance. We sat him down. He looked at me with such fear in his eyes and I said to him are you ok and he shook his head no and he died in our arms. My sister and brother in law started CPR on him until the EMS came and they took over after 30 minutes they pronounced him dead. We couldn’t understand he was fine. Always a man on the go. We never felt so helpless! We never seen such fear in my Dad. He was a Marine Corp Vet. always strong.

The day we buried him I promise I would not fall into that dark place I was in when my Mom died. NEVER AGAIN!!! Till this day I have not stopped trying to get healthy and lose weight. I have my moments. My days! But now I want to step up my game. I done feeling sorry for myself. My journey so far has made me a stronger person. I only wish I started this blog sooner. I want to inspire people. I want people to know my journey and feel my strength. I want to help others who feel stuck or lost. Even if it’s just one person. I want to share my story with the world! I want to encourage people that they can handle anger in a much healthier way. That there is always a way to become unstuck. You just have to change your mindset and believe in yourself. It’s hard work but it’s so worth it. So I hope you will follow me and if you have questions just ask. Enjoy the journey

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