strenght

I wanna say what I wanna say

I have been emotional the past couple of days. I’m bottled up. I don’t say what I wanna say or how I’m feeling. I’m afraid to express my feelings. Or my actions or others actions. I really never open up to my family cause they just say that’s not how I’m feeling or just ignore what I say. I stopped telling my best friend how I’m feeling about certain things cause I don’t wanna push her away or sound like a debbie downer or complainer. I so fuckin’ frustrated!!! ( excuse my language please ) I could put up a front that I’m happy. I don’t wanna talk to stupid doctors….shrinks! I just want someone to listen to me and not fear they are gonna just think that’s not how I feel and walk away. I hate being in this fkn chair. I hate being this fat. I hate people drawing attention to the person in the wheelchair. I hate being stared at. I hate needing help. I hate that my fkn parents didn’t do anything for me when I was a kid. I try to let go and I can’t cause every day of my fkn life is a constant reminder. I feel like I’m an inconvenience to everyone with this damn chair. My brother in law complains when having to put in car, my sister makes remarks when i bang into doorways, …….you think i wanna be in this fkn chair. I just wanna lose this damn weight to work on strengthening my legs to walk again. I want this so freakin’ bad. I want this for me! I just want everyone to know how I feel …….what i want……………that’s all

Small steps in the right direction

Today is day 5 of my journey to a new me. Today marks 2 days in a row that I have worked out. I did 30 minutes on the air stepper, 1 hour on the ab flex belt and 3 set of 10 each for neck, chin and jaw toning. I feel awesome. I drank 2 glasses of water as soon as I woke up this morning. I had a glass while working out and I had one with lunch. So that is 4 glasses so far. I’m getting there. I can’t wait to weigh in on Tuesday. I feel different I feel good.

Going out tonight testing my self control but I am going to eat before going out so I won’t be tempted to have some of those delish bowling alley fries. I think I got this.

Next week I’m going to try different exercises. Something that helps shed so weight from my thighs & a$$. LMAO!!! Have a good night all ūüôā

No more excuses!!! This is my life…….you only get one shot!!

I’m doing this to try to motivate myself to lose weight. I am the heaviest I have ever been. It’s unhealthy and I feel disgusting. I’m 42 years old! I’m only 5’oft tall and as of today I weight 230.8lbs!!!!! I am disabled in a wheelchair mainly cause¬†I am this heavy and it too much weight to put on my legs. My disability I was born with congenital rickets a vitamin D deficiency which I really don’t know much about. What brought me to this unhealthy state I’m in. My life changed¬†about 5yrs ago. Before then I lived on my own. I¬†had an awesome job making awesome money. I was walking all over the place! I was independent! I was proving all I can do it on my own. Then in¬†Nov. of¬†2008 my Mom passed away. She had very bad diabetes and died of a heart attack. My Mom was my reason I pushed myself to be so independent¬†to be the strong person I¬†once was. But now she’s was gone. I quit my job and moved to PA to be with my Dad, My sister and her family. They are all I have. So I went into a depression.¬†Eating ……….gaining weight. So all this triggered problems with my health. I was having problems walking big time. I went to the Dr. finally. So outcome gave me a little knowledge of my disability. I¬†Have high blood pressure, high uric acid, low vitamin D, low calcium , low phosphorus, low potassium, sleep apnea and at times unbearable pain and weakness. I had to have my tonsils & adenoids removed they were so enlarged I would stop breathing too many times at night. Before the surgery I had to go to a heart dr. to¬†see if my heart can take the surgery which put me in panic mode I was going to end up like my Mom. Anyways ,¬†my heart was ok to have surgery.

I said so many times and tried so many times to lose the weight. It’s so hard!!! I don’t want to end up like my Mom she was 60 when she died………I’m 42! I want change! I need change! I need motivation! I want to live! I want to walk again like before! So I decided to try a blog to help me. To get motivation from others. From people I don’t know!¬†Suggestions! Ideas! I need to do this for me. I need to find my drive………..it’s so hard to stick to. They say it’s helps when your on a diet to write a journal and this is going to be my journal the whole world can read. I am determined to lose this weight and become the independent strong person I once was. I wrote in to the Biggest Losers asking for help………nothing! I wrote other shows and people asking for help……….nothing! SO here I am!¬†Imma show the world what I got!!!! The will & the power to will!

My goal weight is 150-160lbs for now. wish me luck …………………when I figure out how to post picture I will