Month: January 2016

STARTING OVER HAS NEVER EVER BEEN EASY

 

It’s been a while. A lot has happened and a lot has changed in my life. I have gotten lost within myself and have kept a lot to myself. I always have been a person with walls built around me not to let to many in. Those walls have always kept me from being weak and getting hurt. Couple of years ago I started little by little breaking down my walls. I have come to realize it was the worse thing I ever did. I have lost who I was. I have allowed myself to be hurt over and over again without a fight. Worrying about how others feel and are when in return not getting the same back. I have never trusted easy and when I started to do that it made me not trust even more. I go through this depression every year around this time. I’ve been to shrinks , I’ve been put on meds…………I don’t need that shit…..I don’t need to be pumped with meds to what make my¬†true feelings disappear….have a total stranger how I should feel or shouldn’t feel. Be afraid to open up what I’m truly feeling so they can put me away or pump more meds in me and then have everyone say oh she really don’t feel that way. This pass summer I pushed everyone away. I kept myself busy with concerts and other things. I did for 2 reasons the major reason being I’m still not happy with myself feeling like i’m a burden to everyone and the 2nd being I want to live out my bucket list. I am going to be 45 and I just have stuck in my damn head my Mom died when she was 60. I have 15 years to live out the things I always wanted to do. And I’m going to do them. I’m all over the place in this post but I hoping in this new year to finally get myself together. only time will tell if I can find myself again.