I wanna say what I wanna say

I have been emotional the past couple of days. I’m bottled up. I don’t say what I wanna say or how I’m feeling. I’m afraid to express my feelings. Or my actions or others actions. I really never open up to my family cause they just say that’s not how I’m feeling or just ignore what I say. I stopped telling my best friend how I’m feeling about certain things cause I don’t wanna push her away or sound like a debbie downer or complainer. I so fuckin’ frustrated!!! ( excuse my language please ) I could put up a front that I’m happy. I don’t wanna talk to stupid doctors….shrinks! I just want someone to listen to me and not fear they are gonna just think that’s not how I feel and walk away. I hate being in this fkn chair. I hate being this fat. I hate people drawing attention to the person in the wheelchair. I hate being stared at. I hate needing help. I hate that my fkn parents didn’t do anything for me when I was a kid. I try to let go and I can’t cause every day of my fkn life is a constant reminder. I feel like I’m an inconvenience to everyone with this damn chair. My brother in law complains when having to put in car, my sister makes remarks when i bang into doorways, …….you think i wanna be in this fkn chair. I just wanna lose this damn weight to work on strengthening my legs to walk again. I want this so freakin’ bad. I want this for me! I just want everyone to know how I feel …….what i want……………that’s all

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13 comments

  1. I’m sorry your having a bad day…I hope it gets better, you can do this. It will take time and your right, it’s for you! Cheering for you and am here to listen/read what ever you need to say …. Hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m really sorry about how you feel. I can really help you lose weight. It sounds like that is the major factor for your sadness, and for your self-esteem. It is affecting your health and now it is getting you frustrated emotionally, and depressed. Let me know if you want me to help. I’m sure you can do it, you just have to be consistent and work very hard to achieve the goal, but it is possible. I know it’s hard to be positive at times, and I can guide you on that too. Everything has a solution in life.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi. Serious stuff. I too have my “demons”. If I could do it without affecting my liver I could sink a really large pint of beer right now. I could happily polish off a 12″ pepperoni pizza. I could graze through an entire punnet of grapes. I am now able to admit that I am not cured of my desire to eat the wrong foods. I am just a “recovering fataholic”. I tried so many different ways including gastric band hypnosis for £400 among so many others.

    My current and most powerful motivation to date is that if I don’t do it I will die. It took that to get me to change. I can empathise with the isolation you must experience in your life. I am so moved to hear how those around you claim to be your family yet they appear to fall short of the one element of that which binds families so deeply – unconditional love.

    What motivates you to change will have to keep doing so for a long time to get you to those goals you seek. Revisiting your feelings; taking stock of the situation; these will only help you to change if you keep on choosing, day after day, after day that you will not put the bad things in there. Only you can choose to change.

    But if I can give you just one snippet of advice – it would be: don’t follow somebody else’s plan. Listen to your body. Record all the food (I use FatSecret because it’s simple but you don’t have to), including the sauces and spices, they add up. Enter it into whatever diary suits you.

    Become obsessive about this. fix this side of your make-up. If you are honest with exactly what you put in your body then you will be capable of addressing it. It is only when you have “data” can you work yourself out. I sat and figured out a personal way that worked for me. It is written in my blog that you “liked” (thanks for that – I too find it difficult to share but I am also finding it cathartic) but here’s the thing. Keep paying attention to everything you eat. When you know you are consuming 500 carb grams a day or 500 fat grams a day and so on, only then can you see the problem in its entirety. Only then can you pay yourself the attention you seek.

    I found my family incredibly supportive but even they were next to useless when it came to me fixing me.

    I can talk but i can listen too. Vent if you wish – I am capable of hearing the real meaning. If you can’t that’s fine too. But I just hope you find enough peace with yourself to pay attention to yourself. Because nobody else will. Good luck with it all.

    *Big Hug* from me.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I can’t imagine what you are feeling but I am sorry that you going through such a rough patch. Sometimes it would be great if other people could tune into us and really understand our feelings but that is asking a lot. I understand that you don’t want to talk to a “shrink” as you put it but I think that you would be surprised of how much it would help. You want “someone to listen… not fear they… walk away.” A therapist would do that, he/she would listen without walking away. He/she would empathize and let you express your grievances in your own words without reinterpretation. When I finally went into therapy and group therapy I was so surprised to find such help and support. Just a thought. Don’t dismiss something without trying it.

    You deserve people that support you. Everyone does. We are all deserving of love, support, and understanding. I hope you find that. It is clear that at least virtually many people support you. I’ll be one more.

    Hoping things get better! Don’t give up.

    Like

    1. I’m horrible at this responding back. I’m sorry 🙂 I did try Therapy……..I stopped going because I was afraid of letting my true feelings out. I was tired of the comments from people around me joking that I was going to therapy. Maybe somewhere down the line I may revisit it going back. And it is amazing how many people I don’t know all around the world are so support it’s awesome. Thank you so much for your on going support it really does mean a lot! 🙂

      Like

      1. It’s because you hit a nerve with us all ShortDee. We feel your pain (to varying degrees). Use it; use the empowerment we give you to give yourself permission to go around correcting what you don’t like because, to be honest with you, nobody else can do it.

        I got asked a couple of days ago why am I so heavy, in my blog (www.lowcarbdietdiary.com) about the mega low carb route I am following and why all my posts seem so hell bent on the whole low carb deal. They thought I was just on a diet. How little they knew. I set them straight about the “other problem” and they soon got the hang of me. Now they are happy to put up with me eating fish for breakfast, lunch and dinner and I get no grief. I gave myself permission, it seems ages ago now, to fix me for a life worth living. I am not actually dieting as I keep banging on about. Maybe our focus should be outward looking at what we want to achieve in life instead of inward at what others think of us. Pardon my English attitude here but “fuck ’em all” that’s what I say! Nobody walks a mile in your shoes do they? So if you are sticking it out and doing what suits you then that’s brill. If not then take a smack on the arse and get back on with living – or else! 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m sorry to hear this, I was going through major depression myself. When me and bf split up I actualy didn’t want to live anymore I know it’s different to ur situation but for me it was the end of life. I thought about even jumping in front of train so many harm I have done to myself, drinking smoking none stop just wanted to stop feeling how I felt.
    Be strong and I think you need to start with just loosing weight and it quite easy even just watching your diet u will see results and when u will It will give u motivation!
    Hope u will feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Im sorry your feeling this way, but please dont give up. Let your feelings spur you on. I believe you can do this. It isnt going to happen over night but it will happen. And you can post/vent all you like. Your weight loss family will help and support you.

    Liked by 1 person

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