Yes I am !!! I hate to admit ( as does anyone ) I was wrong!! Yes I’m depressed and I think my friend was right winter blues……No she is definitely right! I’m by myself all day until school gets out and everyone comes home from work. Alone with my thoughts and a whole shit load of snow outside. Yesterday was so beautiful out! I opened the 2 windows that I could and I sat on the porch for a little while. Fresh air felt so good. Today it’s suppose to rain or snow…Mother Nature still deciding on what to do. But I’m excited cause friends are coming over tonight. You know living in the country you don’t get to see everyone all the time…so different from living in NY. So looking forward to the nicer weather to sit on my boat soaking up life!!! Yes, I hate being in this chair and being over weight! Yes, it upsets me but being stuck in this house with my thoughts alone all day has made me fixated on it.
SO things are gonna change. I have to get out more and since I don’t drive my family is gonna help me. So everyday I going to ask my sister when she drops my nephew off to school to drop me off at the gym ( which I know she won’t mind ) then ask my Dad to pick me up when I’m done then maybe have breakfast with him. Then come home do what I have to do. I need to get out of my funk. And I’m going to be a pain in the ass to my friend to get out more. Best friend in the world!!
It’s going to have to start next week cause my Dad is in North Carolina. So for now I’ll still workout at home. I have done so the pass 2 days and I’m going to today. I honestly have been eating good. And I still am staying away from the scale. Ok going to go work out! Have an awesome day everyone!!!
I did 50 squats then my legs cramped up but I DID IT!! I worked out 2 days in a row. Yesterday I did full upper body workout and I was doing the same today and I just said Fk it I’m going to try and I did it…………50 of them!!! Yeah me!!!
Well I couldn’t sleep last night. My mind was all over the place. I don’t know what my problem is at all anymore. I’m surrounded by people I know who care and love me but I feel so alone. I feel so trapped inside of me a person I don’t wanna be a person I never saw myself as. Will the day ever come were I don’t need this chair?? I know my disability will still be there and I will still be stared at but at least I won’t feel like a burden to everyone. When I wasn’t in this damn chair I was so independent I didn’t need help from anyone. I hate people helping me. I FUCKING HATE IT!!!
I hate feeling like everyone feels sorry for the handicap person. I’m the elephant in the room that everyone is focused on. I hate this damn fkn chair. I don’t like picture of me in it I don’t like looking in a mirror in it. I’m not looking for a pitty party at all. I’m so angry so freakin angry!!! My friends and family can’t know how I feel so stop telling me you know how I feel cause you’re not in my shoes. I’m trying to get out of this chair. I know I need to lose a lot of weight before putting every day weight on my leg again. I know it’s going to take a long time and I know my problem is that I want it to come sooner than it’s going to take. I have to tell myself every day don’t give up I’m a fighter. That day will come I’m going to prove it to myself
I have to say I didn’t do so bad this weekend…..well, eating wise. We had a party on Friday I ate a little bit but I did drink and I drank good and I really had a great time with my friends. Saturday I spent the day with 2 amazing friends. We were suppose to go for lunch and shopping. Well, we had lunch first at a Mexican place ( I love this place ) yeah we had food and with also had a margarita each ( I also had a beer ) well after that we did stop at one planned store and after that ended up at the Casino LOL. I really had an awesome day……a much needed day. Later on that night my bro in law’s brother came up cause the guys went to North Carolina till Friday to go visit there parents. My Dad went with them ( doing little happy dance inside myself LOL ) 2 of our other friends came over to pick up their kids so we hung out for a bit. And sunday was a peaceful quiet relaxing day.
So we been all talking about vacations. A bunch of our friends are going on a cruise. I wanted to go but was waiting on my sister’s answer ( which means she didn’t wanna go ) she said she didn’t like where the cruise was going Florida / Bahamas. She rather go to the islands and have more time on land than the boat. Rather spend money on a vacation she can go where she wants. Whatever! It was to me going to have a great time with our friends. She told me to go but I won’t go cause I’m in a freakin wheelchair so I really not wanting to be a pain in the ass to everyone…..with my sister it’s different lol. I’ll just get all frustrated and mad so I’m not going either. So we are planning to go to Vegas next year to visit my sister’s sister in law and our friend’s brothers live there too. So we are planning on a 10 day trip.
But anyway with my moods being shitty I still am somewhat not eating crap and I did get to workout on Friday but not on Saturday & Sunday but I am going to today. I was in such an awesome mood Friday I mean really awesome. I had my 2 glasses of water when I got up this morning. I drinking my coffee and I had a banana with a little bit of peanut butter. Making dinner for one of our friends tonite who’s been going through a hard time with her son and mental issues.
Lately this wheelchair business has been bothering me a lot. When my friends ask me to go out I want to go but hesitate cause right away I’m hung up I’m a chore to everyone. I feel so uncomfortable lately like the world is staring at me and everyone is annoyed to push me around. I don’t know why it’s really bothering me lately. When I could walk I never thought of myself as being disabled I proved I can do and didn’t let me disability beat me. I’ve been in a chair for a while now like 4 years and now it’s really bothering me. I don’t get what’s going on but I’m not giving up I figure if I can lose weight then I can get these legs to work again. I’m not giving up and I can get pass my little depression. Okay going to workout. Have a great day everyone and thanks for the support
I had the perfect sleep last night. I didn’t wake up till a little after 7 this morning. I had my 2 glasses of water and drinking my cup of coffee while I do my blog. I didn’t get to workout yesterday. I do intend to in a little while. I have been eating good just gotta keep up on my water. I am a little sore this morning I guess the 3 days of working out caught up with me so maybe it was good I didn’t workout yesterday. I’m sorry for my blog yesterday I needed to get it out and I’m glad I did cause I some what feel better than I did yesterday.
Today is my nephew’s birthday party. I kind of excited cause the girl he likes is coming too lol. I can’t wait to hang out with my friends too.
I got my favorite feel good song blasting over and over …….Taio Cruz Dynamite ……..I love this song!!!! I wanna celebrate and live my life!!! Listen to it I bet it’ll get your body moving!!!
I so got this shit!!! I’m gonna live MY life………..I’m gonna let go……….I’m not going to dwell on the past anymore. I know I said it before but I’m 42 years old who knows how much life I have left. I’m not going to waste it on my past. I’m going to live my life!!! Everyone has their ups and downs…..yesterday was a big down for me I let it out in my post yesterday. Now it stays in the past. I’m done feeling sorry for myself! It makes me angry that I allowed it to consume me!! SO instead of dwelling Imma get my life back. Complaining about it is not gonna get me any where it’s the actual doing something about it is gonna get me some where. Imma prove to the world I am somebody!! Imma prove I can do this!!! Imma get ME back!!! I’m not a quitter I never was and why the hell would I even allow myself to be…..why have I been?? Nah, this shit is gonna change….I’m going to change. Imma bust my ass to get this shit fixed to get where I need to be!!!
Ok going to start my day got a lot to do! Going to workout and get it all going!! Have a wonderful day everyone!!! xoxoxoxoxo……………the quote (picture above) was the first thing I saw on my facebook this morning. It’s so true
Yesterday was my nephew’s birthday we had pizza and the went to see American Idiot. It’was really good. I did get to workout yesterday for 1/2 hour. So that is 3 days in a row. I didn’t get to workout yet today cause my sister is home. We had breakfast and then started cleaning for my nephew’s birthday party tomorrow. I still found myself thinking a lot about things. When I can home last night I went in my room got in bed stared up at the ceiling and did a lot of thinking. For some reason my past has been popping in my head a lot things I haven’t even thought of in years and didn’t even wanna think of. Things I had locked away in my head. I think this blogging thing is making me think of everything. I can express myself here and not be judged. I can say how I’m feeling and not be told that is not how I feel. I’m not breaking out in a big fight over expressing myself or I don’t have to fear what going to happen once I let it out here. No one here is going to push pills on me to try to cover up my feelings shove them in la la land. Here I kind of feel safe. I hope it stays this way.
Like I stated in other blogs my Mom had died 5 years ago. I love my Mom but I also hate my Mom. I can cry every time I think of her or when I go to her grave. I mean my Mom is really the reason I didn’t move here when everyone else did. We always fought and I wasn’t like my dad and my sister where they just stop or ignore her ( which did make her madder ) I went nose to nose with her. I wasn’t scared of her and I knew I was going to get my ass beat. I think I wanted her to hit me as I got older. I never laid a finger on her. My sister did once and she got her ass beat good. I mean my Mom was a tough son of a bitch. Always taking her anger out on us mentally & physically. I take a beating any day over words that scarred me for life. My fears and mental fuck ups are all totally because of her. I honestly truly know I am fucked up. I have a lot of insecurity issues and not only because of my handicap. My Mom use to fly off the handle at a drop of a dime over anything ( mainly cause my dad was a drunk ) I’m sure in later blogs I’ll talk about things that happened but don’t feel like revisiting all of it now. I think I realized last night that a lot of my mental issues is my Mom. I never had final words with my Mom before she died. Which angers me. But I never could handle tragic things good and my Mom always kept me away from being around it. My best friend died in a car accident and I lost it. I was suppose to be with her that day going to Bear Mountain to pick up her son. I thought that if I would have went with her things would have been different that that extra 5 minutes coming to pick me up it would have been someone else having that accident. I stayed in bed for a long time and didn’t go out after work. In work I just cry. But the funny thing is my parents didn’t console me. My Mom told me to get over it. Really!!?? About a year later I got to throw her words in her face when she lost her best friend to cancer.
I’m all over the place in my blog today. I have so much crap popping in my head. When my Mom died in the hospital they turned the machine off and we just waited till her last breath when it flat lined I just screamed out MOM!!!! I went to the bathroom and punched the crap out of the walls. I stopped crying and just went numb…..I didn’t feel a thing. I didn’t want to. So like when my Mom use to beat me I just go numb and not feel anything. If I was upset or got hurt by someone I would hurt myself cause that’s when I felt nothing. Is that crazy??? Feelings make you weak and make you hurt more. I’m still that way. I just shut down. And I think that by doing that is why I’m still here today. I don’t feel much. I have thought of suicide plenty of times growing up and to be honest I do still once in a while when I get frustrated. I wondered how people would react if I did and a year ago I got to see how it impacts a family to lose a child to suicide. It’s really selfish and so hard on the family they are scarred for life. I never knew anyone in that situation and when that happened last year the thought popped out of my head. I was like i don’t wanna do that to my family or loved ones. I have no intentions of killing myself so let me get it out there. But I did have the thought in my head last night thinking my parents scarred me for life I wonder if I would’ve would they have cared as much as this family does and been scarred for life??? It was just a thought. If I matter to them. Because growing up it didn’t seem like it. My mom is dead now and my sister is my Dad’s favorite. So it’s pretty much just me dealing with all their bullshit. Yes my Dad favors my sister but I guess it’s because of my nephew and my brother in law. I got nothing. But important things parents do for children he’s not so here for us. He’ll do more for others and strangers than he will for his own children. He’s always been that way. He was drunk pretty much our whole childhood. And when my Mom died is when he decided he wanted to be a parent. Nope sorry doesn’t work that way. Everyone thinks he’s Mister Wonderful ……yeah to everyone else he is cause he likes pats on the back and hearing people say omg thank you so much you’re wonderful. If they all only knew the real shit he is and how me and my sister cover up shit to make him look good. OMG even my Mom did that shit for him. WHY???
Like I said I know my blog is all over the place but I had to get it out of my head.
I’m still in my funk but I’m not backing out of what I want. If I keep moving forward maybe I can work myself out of this funk. I decided Ii’m not going to weight myself for a while cause that scale just adds to my funk. I’m going to continue to try to eat right and working out. The pass 2 days I got a workout in and I intend to do a workout today. I got my music blasting getting ready to workout.
Yesterday I had my 2 glasses of water when I got up in the morning and then had a cup of coffee and a banana. I did a 1/2 hour work out with 5 lb weight I worked out my upper body and I did some thigh and leg workout. For lunch I had a salad and smoked white fish. Then for dinner we went to Red Lobster for my Nephew’s birthday. I had salmon, broccoli, small potato, salad, 1 biscuit and 2 piece of shrimp chili hot style. And 1 lobsterita ( I needed a drink ) and a seltzer. Not the perfect day
Today is my nephew’s actual birthday we are going to see American Idiot with a bunch of his friends. So after school I’m ordering pizza for him and his friends then off to see the show. Today I intend to workout for more than a 1/2 hour. My body felt good after the workout yesterday. I so wanna keep this up every day then when the snow finally goes away I wanna go back to that gym I have been paying for. My legs I intend to workout at home and workout my upper body at the gym. I love the machines there. So I’m thinking after I work out I will make a nice healthy breakfast and then when lunch time comes around i’m going to have a healthy shake. I have no clue what we are doing for dinner.
Once the nicer weather comes I hope to really get out of this funk and stay committed to trying to lose weight. So I think I’m not going to weight myself till 4/5 ….well let me get start I have a lot to do today. Thank you everyone for your continued support and comments. it means a lot xoxoxoxox
I need to snap out of this BS! I can ask everyone in the world to help me but if I don’t grab a hold of myself everyone else’s helping hand will be useless. Excepting who I am now and not the person I was 5 years ago is hard. Understanding that I can’t get that person back at a drop of a dime. It takes work…….hard work! And a lot off learning to except it is what it is. Yes I have a lot of anger built up. Afraid of letting it out is my problem. I afraid of what may or may not happen once I release it. I have gone to therapy before but I really didn’t tell them everything I was afraid to. What happens once I let it all out??? I don’t wanna involve my family at all. My Mom is not here! My family has a lot to do with my anger. I don’t wanna be put on all these pills and I hated going to therapy being made fun of that I’m crazy. I have issues just like we all do but that doesn’t make me crazy! I know my sister is my Dad’s favorite. He drops everything for her and her family. My mom and grandma use to say it all the time she was his favorite. I have noticed it more since my Mom died. I’m sorry I didn’t ask to be handicap! You as parents did nothing to help just never brought it up. Which I came to do never talk about it. I didn’t dare think of having kids cause I didn’t wanna give birth to a baby just like me. Have that baby go through all the crap I went through. Every person’s stare and comment turned me into a very angry emotional person. I don’t like being touched, I don’t like anyone doing anything for me, I don’t want a man cause of how I look.
I can’t let go but I have to learn to just to except it once and for all and stop this seesaw crap. I’m going to throw myself into this diet and working out for me. Stop listening to all the negatives and jokes. I need this! I want that person I was 5 years ago. I was a strong independent person. That person who didn’t need anyone was doing everything myself. I want my independence back. I want my strength back. I want me back!!! I will have bad days I know but I’m not going to let those days beat me. Okay I had a bad day now brush myself off and move on……..that’s what I need to do. Stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and says!!! Stop doing so much for others and start doing for me. Stop letting myself down and go for what I want.
So yesterday I did work out. I did for about 45 minutes. I had egg whites, some veggies and 3 slices of steak with a clementine orange. I had nothing for lunch. For dinner I had broiled chicken, broccoli , and 1/2 of a sweet potato and a little salad. i had about 4-5 waters.
I am so going to do this……I need to do this……I can do this!
I have been emotional the past couple of days. I’m bottled up. I don’t say what I wanna say or how I’m feeling. I’m afraid to express my feelings. Or my actions or others actions. I really never open up to my family cause they just say that’s not how I’m feeling or just ignore what I say. I stopped telling my best friend how I’m feeling about certain things cause I don’t wanna push her away or sound like a debbie downer or complainer. I so fuckin’ frustrated!!! ( excuse my language please ) I could put up a front that I’m happy. I don’t wanna talk to stupid doctors….shrinks! I just want someone to listen to me and not fear they are gonna just think that’s not how I feel and walk away. I hate being in this fkn chair. I hate being this fat. I hate people drawing attention to the person in the wheelchair. I hate being stared at. I hate needing help. I hate that my fkn parents didn’t do anything for me when I was a kid. I try to let go and I can’t cause every day of my fkn life is a constant reminder. I feel like I’m an inconvenience to everyone with this damn chair. My brother in law complains when having to put in car, my sister makes remarks when i bang into doorways, …….you think i wanna be in this fkn chair. I just wanna lose this damn weight to work on strengthening my legs to walk again. I want this so freakin’ bad. I want this for me! I just want everyone to know how I feel …….what i want……………that’s all