I really don’t get people sometimes. This is why I’m very picky about who I let into my life. I’ve been hurt too many times to let anyone me wholey. I have been dropped twice in my life be friends I’ve been friends with for years. Both times I did not do anything. The first cause I kept a secret another friend told me and when my friend knew I knew and didn’t say anything dropped me didn’t speak to me for along time well over 10 years then apologizes to me life is too short to hold grudges. And I just couldn’t give in cause I was hurt. The 2nd was a friend I was friends with for over 14yrs dropped me at the time my mom died. Told me I didn’t do anything wrong but since I was in the circle of friends ( and cousin ) she couldn’t talk to me anymore. So now here is my friend I use to live with in NY. A lot of shit went on. I moved away to be closer to my family after Mom died. And again like I don’t matter. I called all the time since I moved, sent christmas and birthday gifts. I went and visited. One sided friendship. What hurt most was she got married and had a baby and didn’t included me in anything. Tells me I’m like a sister blah blah blah but didn’t ever talk about her wedding shit to me and even if i brought it up change subject or whatever. Same thing with baby shower. I blew up to her Mom about it. The topper was the baby christening she wasn’t even gonna tell me. So I decided to walk away. I mean how much more bullshit am I gonna take. I’m tired of crying and giving chances. I stopped calling, won’t go visit, stopped sending gifts, stopped texting ( not as much ) in the pass 2 weeks shes been texting me how she misses my friendship , the old days….blah blah blah. So it takes me to walk away. I’m tired of getting hurt! I’m tired of getting walked all over! I’m tired of feeling I don’t matter to anyone. And I’m not gonna get sucked back in to getting hurt by anyone anymore. I can’t!! When is enough enough?
I’m hoping this time this is going to be easier to stick to since everyone is back to school and work. I really have no excuses now. No one is home till 3:15pm.
Monday & Wednesdays back to kickboxing
Mon, Wed & Fri back to the gym
and Tues, Thurs workout at home
Sunday and Saturday rest days
Monday starts again…Back on the morning shakes and figure out a perfect eating menu. Since the last time I have blogged I have been working out in spurts and did the shake thing for 2 whole weeks straight. But now that summer is over the parties will start to die out. I need to make this my moment I have till now and May to get in shape and work on me. I have to try not to fall into my normal winter funk. This shit is really hard.
Well I’m officially back come Monday.
I’ve decided to clean out the closet of my life of things and people that don’t make me happy anymore. To clear the things in my life that add to my stress and my negative feelings. Is it wrong for me to do?? Maybe but for right now I need to rid my life of things that eat at me. I need to do what’s best for me! Right now that’s all that matters to me. I have to fix me first before anything else in my life otherwise I’ll never get out of this sink hole I’m in. So first thing I did was quit taking score for the softball team. I quit because this year it bothered me so much I didn’t wanna take score anymore I wanted to play but I can’t. I said last year I was gonna lose this weight and walk again …. never happened! This weight and not walking is the biggest stress in my life. I need to focus on doing what I said losing the weight and get walking again. There are a few people I need to drop out of my life also. I feel bad quitting . I enjoy the team and hanging out with my friends having laughs but it’s not so enjoying for me this year letting it depress me. So that was my first step.
I went to the gym twice this week. I wanna make it a habit to go more. I actually feel great after a nice workout. I need to get my strength back mentally and physically that’s all that matter right now. I need to rid my mind & body of all this negativity
Clean slate on life I’m giving myself. I am the ruler of my happiness. I let negative shit & people in my head. I let stress enter MY life again. I became weak! Nah, I am not letting it defeat me. It’s not who I am and It’s not going to be who I ever become. I’ve hit my rock bottom and I’m going to climb out of it one step at a time. I am going to fix me for me. It’s true I need to do this for me and NOBODY else! I have to find my happiness and strength again. When I do there is no stopping! I totally hit the lowest point in my life. I’ve embarrassed myself and I’m ashamed of myself for giving up on myself and letting everyone see me that way. Nothing in life is easy I know that and nothing in my life has ever come easy. I’m a fighter always have been. Allowing the negative thoughts of giving up into my head…. on life! Nah, that’s not me!! I don’t know why I let it all get to me. It scares me! I need to find out where or what went wrong and fix it. I let my guard down. I need to build again.
I went to the gym today! When I was working out and blogging I was feeling go. I relieve my stress at the gym and in my writing so here I am again! Which the gym should work out great this time cause my friend joined.
So first day at gym this is what I did
Shoulders 10 sets of 10 @ 30lbs
biceps 10 sets of 10 @ 30lbs
triceps 10 sets of 10 @ 90lbs
abs 10 sets of 10 @ 70lbs
chest 10 sets of 10 @ 50lbs
and it felt great!
I am so truly so frustrated with myself…..my life!!!!! So tired of it! I honestly do feel like I’m on my own. I just can’t find my strength, my willpower,my passion, my reason! I feel like I exist to just exist. I was doing good then I just let everything and everyone get to me. I want my life back and I can’t figure out a way to go about it. Everything I’ve done and do I just fall back to square one. How do people stick to one path and never get sidetracked? I’m so afraid to say how I feel and where I think I’m headed. I have so many people around me but yet feel so lonely. Does that make any sense? My best to me doesn’t seem good enough and all I do is never enough. I have unreachable goals. Nothing in my life seems mine I have to depend on everyone. It’s not me, It’s not who I was and it’s so not who I wanna be for the rest of my life. I’m tired of just going with the flow. Sucking it all in! The past couple of weeks have been hell to me. I’m tired of feeling like my feelings don’t matter. I just wanna runaway…..fix me and comeback and say look at me now bitches!! but since I can’t run there is nowhere to go.
I really let my emotions get to me and I never done that before. I let build up. ON the 4th I drank soooo much. I hardly ate anything. I don’t really remember anything from that day. I just heard from everyone. I woke up the next morning in my bed. I was a mess! I puked several times when they got me in my room. And I’m embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I drank so much my sister said they were thinking to take me to ER if I had alcohol poisoning. Well I haven’t touched liquor since then. Just a couple of beers and lots of water this past weekend. I was so stressed all week I fought with my best friend from NY and her mom then found out my best male friend that moved up here got engaged. But he didn’t tell me and I spoke to him the day before. A friend text me OMG Joe is getting married and I said Joe who…my Joe? She’s like yeah it’s on facebook and she sent me pic. I was hurt and upset cause I just spoke to you and this is the way I have to find out. We are like family he had so many hard times and I was always there for him. Then he comes here on the 4th with his daughter who I haven’t seen or spoken to in like 4 1/2 years cause of him. Who use to be a kid with a good head on her shoulders now she’s 19 and is like a Miley wanna be ass hanging out thug talking. Ugh! The fight with my friend and her mom realy got to me making me feel guilty that I haven’t seen her baby or them in like a year in a half. I’m tired of it. It’s like a 1 sided friendship. I don’t drive and you been around where I live to visit your dad. Fuckin come visit me. I don’t matter! My feelings don’t matter! Enough already! for once all the ones that stress me I would love to see them do an ounce of what I did for them. For once I would love to feel important to feel special to feel like I matter. everything i do i do from my heart and it feels like it’s never enough ….. something has to give! I need to get away!
It’s been a while since I posted. I was doing good then I lost my gym partner. Which I know it’s no excuse but it’s so much easier going with someone cause you don’t wanna let them down. When you’re on your own it’s so easy to say everyday….. I’ll go tomorrow ( which we all find out tomorrow never happens ) I did go a couple of times but didn’t last long. I worked out at home a few times but didn’t last long either. Kickboxing didn’t last long either. They close on weekends now till Labor Day and the Mondays & Wed is softball days ( I take score ) I’m in such a funk! I have been having good times but my life is not how I want it. No one understands how I feel and I really don’t express. I really don’t wanna express how I feel anymore to anyone I know. Only I can fix how I feel. I’m getting frustrated with having to have help. I hate this fkn chair so much I want to take a sledge hammer to it already. I’m mad at myself for not being strong enough to stick with what I want. I’m tired of depending on people! I can’t get to the gym unless I ask for a ride. I can’t stand taking score in softball anymore cause I wanna play…. I wanna be part of the team. I use to love playing ball. It angers me. It angers me I can’t do the things I use to do. It angers me cause ever fkn day I imagine how different my life could be. It angers me seeing everyone enjoy the things I wanna do but can’t do. It angers me cause I don’t know how to get back everything I lost and I don’t want to accept the fact that this damn chair is my life now. NO!! It’s a burden to everyone and most of all me! I am never going to overcome my anger. I tried and I failed over and over again.
So on Wednesday I went to Kickboxing with my friend. We kicked ass! The News people were there filming because the instructor is doing a fundraiser for a boy who lost his life. My friend and I so didn’t wanna be on TV the instructor said suck it up it’s for a good cause and she is absolutely right! It was an awesome workout! Finally got to punch the pads that they hold..I so thought my friend was gonna knock me out lmfao! Oh was really sore all day yesterday but that’s a good thing :) I’m really feeling good about myself…. I feel the difference!! I said that on this journey I wanted to inspire people but didn’t realize I would really inspire myself. It really is an amazing feeling!
So today I went to kickboxing with my friend. I loved it😊 I worked up an awesome sweat!!! Just what I want. The things I couldn’t do the instructer gave me other things to do. Omg it was great! So I’m going to go every Wed & Sat. Tuesday I’m meeting another friend at the gym to do the punching bag. I’m so excited I wanna hit something lmfao. It’s so beautiful out today. Getting ready to go to a friend’s daughter communion BBQ . Enjoy the beautiful day everyone xoxo
So today I showed my video to a long time friend of the family my Mom’s best friend since i was like 3yrs old. I spoke to her on the phone telling her about the video and she asked me to send it to her email. So I agreed said watch it and call me back. Her and her husband watched it and she called me back an hour later crying both of them. She said we never knew you felt that way. I said no nobody did because I was always told that’s not how you feel or I just never let anyone in on how I felt. I understand my Mom couldn’t handle things. I mean she couldn’t even handle what she was going through. I deserve to be anger! I’m not looking for pity at all. I want the world to know that it’s not easy being born with a deformity , different from normal people. Living, struggling and fighting in a world twice as hard as a normal person without any disabilities just to be accepted by others and life in general. No one knows or understands until they put on our shoes and see the struggles we have to go through everyday. Even then you truly can’t understand cause our disabilities are permanent. Everyday we are reminded about our difference. Everyday we question ourselves are we ready for another day. So when you stare, make fun of, pass judgement or ignore a person with a disability just remember it’s already hard enough for that person to be out in the world and you don’t have to make it harder for them. I am so going out of my comfort zone to do this and like I said I hope to inspire at least one person.