We all hold on to things from our past for whatever reason. We let it sit in our thoughts , our memories, our way of living, our fears. We let our past control us. Things that happened in our lives that always comeback to haunt us, controls us, install fear in us, limit us. Why? Why do we hold on to things in our past that are so negative? Things that hold us back from living a wonderful life. Is it because holding on to all the negative things remind us everyday the pain we felt in that moment? To remind us that we never want to feel that pain again?? We all do it!!! We all have done it!! If you say you don’t you’re lying!!! Think of who you are, the person you have become……now think of the negative things that happened to you in your past……are any of those things that happened to you in your life holing you hostage??? Are you thinking “what the hell is this chick talking about?” THINK ABOUT IT!! Let’s saying growing up one of your parents were a drunk…….do you fear drinking cause you don’t wanna be like them? You’re parents use to beat you……..do you fear when you have your kids you will do the same?? A boy/girl cheats on you…….do you not love the next one full heartedly in fear of getting hurt? People made fun of the way you laugh….so do you not laugh? People made fun of the way you run…….so do you never run again?? People make fun saying you are bad at a certain sport……..do you never play again?? People stare at you at parties, events, anywhere………do you not go out?? They use to tease you how fat you are……….does it make you self-conscious of how you look?? I can go on and on! All these negative things that we hold onto in our memories that we can’t let go of to remind us of how we felt in that moment. We hold on to so much of the bad memories and forget most of the good ones that happened in our lives. All because of fear of feeling that way again. What we fail to realize is that we let it control us. We let it limit us. Keep us in what we feel is our safe spot. We carry all this anger because of things in the past that stop us from doing things in the moment. We point fingers at those moments and people involve in those moments blaming them for our short comings. When we really should be pointing fingers at ourselves and blaming ourselves. Everything in our lives are stepping stones……they are things that happened to us that make us stronger………we learn from them. People tend to blame God for the crappy life they are dealt………I’ve done it. It’s not God’s fault…it’s our own fault. You make your life! Yes, everything happens for a reason. We deal with it in that moment we shouldn’t let it hold us hostage for years and hold us back. Learn from it and work through it this way if it does happen again we know how to handle it.
What happens when we finally let it go??? I’ve been learning the past month and a half to let things and you know it feels good. I have been going out every day doing things. I have been working out every day. I’m not stressed. Things that I use to let bother me for days I don’t let it maybe just for the moment but I don’t bring it into the next day. Taking baby steps. Releasing anger feels so much better than holding on to it. I know working out helps too. I feel better than I have in years. I’m more happy now and enjoying life in the moment I am physically in. My past is in the past. I lived it and I’ve learned so much from it. Holding on to it does nothing for you but make you miss out on so many positive things. You can’t change it just let go and move onto more positive things. We all deserve to live a happy life………stop dreaming and live your dream. Stop wishing and do! You are the pilot of your own life…..where you get in life and how high is all up to you. Don’t let your past weight you down and keep you grounded. Learning to let go and fly will make you feel so free. Your past made you strong now take your strength to live how YOU want to live. LET IT GO!!!
Thank you so much Riversgain http://youcandoitblog.com for nominating my blog for the Wonderful Team Member Readership Award!! Wow, I really didn’t know you can get awards. Lol! I’m so honored!! This means so much to me. I am at a lose for words lmao . There are so many wonderful blogs out there. So many inspiring blogs! I love having a place to come write how I feel and getting encouragement from people I have never met and making friends with them. It’s a great feeling!!! Thank you!
I had an awesome weekend! After my workout I can home , I showered and got dress then packed my bags then my Best friend and I went to Mohegan Sun over night. The hotel was awesome! The bed was taller than me lmfao! We drank a whole bottle of Moscato wine and a little more than 1/2 a bottle of Fireball. We had planned to go to the pool but that didn’t work out lmfao. Then we met so friends for dinner and a comedy show ( show was horrible ) The show totally killed our buzz lmao. Next morning check out was at 11am ….we went and had coffee at buffet then went to gamble at this Blackjack machine we both won money but gave it back and then some. It was a great time to spend time with my friend. The when we got back home in town the were having an international game day. You get to play games and win raffles. I won a game wasn’t even there that long and my friend won one right after me. LOL. We met her family & my family there it was a real great time. Then Sunday a bunch of us went to see Captain America 2……..really good movie. After movies we did a little shopping then went to the Chinese Place and was home in bed relaxing by 6:30pm. Awesome weekend!
I must be doing something right or me doing is making me feel right. I look forward to each day. I’m out everyday now even if it’s just 2 hour to go to gym. I feel energized! I’m ready to step it up. So 2 of my friends go to kickboxing on Monday, Wednesdays & Saturdays. I’m going to start going. I know I can’t do all of things but the things I can do will be a great cardio workout which I need to do to burn calories. I need more cardio in my exercise the gym I do all upper body and core. I need to sweat!!! Then also with our gym membership we get to use the pool so going to do aqua aerobics. Which I’m so looking forward to. I need to step it up! I feel a difference but I don’t see the weight coming off. I need to be more strict on eating also. Watch out!!!
In the book I’m reading Simple Abundance it ask “If you can do anything in the world , what would it be? Yes, that very thing right now that you believe is impossible! What I wanna do is show the world that people with limitations can do what they want to do if they put their mind, strength and determination into it. I want to walk again! I may have let my handicap think it got the best of me but I’m fighting it. I will not let it win. This is my fourth week going strong with working out. People so judge a book by its cover in the world we live in. When they look at me they see an overweight woman in a wheelchair…feeling sorry for me. The last thing I want anyone to do is feel sorry for me. If anyone took time to get to know anyone who is disable, handicapped or “different” you will see on the inside that “WE” are stronger than any “NORMAL” person. We may look different but we are just like anyone else. We bleed the same, feel the same, hurt the same, cry the same, etc. What keeps us from living a normal life with our “difference” is the people around us. The people who stare at us, make fun of us, do stupid things to us, disgusted by us, embarrassed to be seen with us, etc. You all know what I’m talking about. All those hurtful things that makes us not want to be on the outside world, the things that make us wish we were dead, the things that question why us, the things that make us give in to our disabilities, the things that make us believe we can do things, the things that make us weak, that hurt us, the things that shut us down to the whole world and not let anyone in, the things that make us trust no one cause they are only gonna hurt us. We live in a very cruel world!!!
I had plenty of friends growing up but what I don’t have is a friend that I grew up with that I have been friends with my whole life. I had plenty of friends come in and out of my life. I don’t have a friend from childhood that I can sit around with and talk for hours about all the stupid things we did growing up that we still are doing. Don’t get me wrong I still talk to some of the people I knew when I was younger. It’s been years in between us. I’m talking about that best friend that’s been there forever. I don’t have that. Does it bother me? I’m not going to lie sure it does. I just come so use to people popping in and out of my life. I gotten use to being the friend for the moment. I’m ok to hang with but not to go to parties , concerts, trips or whatever with. I guess cause they feel uncomfortable or embarrassed to be seen with the cripple. Or having people come up to the dude what happen to your friend or are you really with that person. Or if you do get invited to go you don’t see them the whole time only when it’s time to go or if they need something. I can honestly say all that also screwed me up. Why? Cause I do back out of a lot of things because of all the things I mentioned. I don’t want to be the center of everyone’s attention in a surrounding I have never been in.
Since I moved up here I have been more open about my handicap. I never use to. I’m learning to live with it and be ok with it. I’m learning to stop pointing fingers, stop being angry about it. It is what it is now. Anything that was said to me and done to me has made me stronger. I proved it through out my life. If you known me for only the past 5 1/2 years you wouldn’t believe me. Those 5 1/2 years is what I’m going to make up for now. The past 5 1/2 years beat me down to a person I didn’t even know. A person I didn’t even wanna be around. I’m done with the past 5 1/2 years! I’m done with all the crap in my whole life. All the past is like they say in the past. What I want is to show the world the real me! What everyone missed out on. I’m done with the old me. I hope to inspire people who are “different” like me to feel the same. Don’t let others or you being “different” run your life. Dig deep inside yourself and find that strength & determination to wow the world. It’s in there and only you can bring it out.
I haven’t posted since Friday for a number of reason so here goes. So I pushed myself on Friday to do the 5 minutes on the treadmill and it really wasn’t in me to do it but I pushed myself. After the treadmill I got dressed and got things ready because we were having friends over. It was a real nice night. So next morning I woke up I could hardly put pressure on my left ankle. ( which is my good leg ) It was killing me. And if that wasn’t enough my tooth was bothering me. I didn’t workout. I laid in bed all day then went and took a shower cause friends were coming over to play cards and they made us dinner again. I didn’t tell anymore my ankle was bothering me cause my sister keeps telling me not to over do it and I didn’t tell my sister till everyone left that my tooth was bothering me cause they all kept asking me are you ok you look flushed. So before bed I took so pain meds and took some cloves put by my tooth that was hurting me and when I woke up it wasn’t hurting. So I decided not to push it and not workout again. My ankle was still bothering me anyway. So I spent the day in bed after I showered and got dressed. We had other friends come for dinner they bought over steak, ribs, clams & mussels. So when it was time to eat I came out of my room ate with everyone and hung out. Then my tooth started to bother me again so I took my pain meds and cloves again and I went to bed. Monday came my ankle was all better. I told my friend I was going to gym because of my tooth. Mid day my tooth wasn’t hurting anymore. I still didn’t workout. I made dinner for our friends that come every monday now because we watch her little son. I made a roasted chicken, cauliflower mashed ( out of this world ) asparagus, broccoli rabe, salad and some dinner rolls. The cauliflower mashed was out of this world that is my new fav. this recipe was far better than the one I did the first time. I had a great weekend even though I was in pain. I had an awesome week too!
SO here we are Tuesday. I went to the gym today. I did my workout and no pain. It felt so good to get back at it. I will be back there tomorrow too! After gym went home to shower and change then went to lunch with 2 friends. It really was a nice day. I was tired as hell when I came home so I went in my room to lay down and catch up on some of my shows I taped. So I’m going to cut this short so I can get ready for bed so I can get up for gym I didn’t sleep good last night. Have a good night everyone!!! :)
I went to the gym yesterday! So I went to the gym Monday, Tuesday & Thursday. Wednesday & today working out at home. This whole week I have been active! I have been out everyday. Monday I just went to the gym. Tuesday I went to the gym the later went with my sister and a friend of ours and her daughter they got mani & pedi done. Then we went out to dinner. Wednesday I worked out at home then went to have my hair cut and colored ( red & black peek-a-boo ) then went to dinner. Thursday went to gym then to my friend’s house ( she made me breakfast & Lunch ) spent the whole day with her while she worked from home ( had a really nice time ) then went with her to take her son to get a haircut then went with her family & met up with my sister & nephew for dinner. I really have been having an awesome week. Today I’m working out at home then later on we have friends coming over to hang out. I feel more energize then I have felt in a long time.
So I’m still readying the book Simple Abundance. This part of the book made me think. Gratitude: Awakening the Heart. Open ” the eyes of your eyes” and give your life another glance. We all take for granted what we have in life always wanting more. Never stopping and taking a look of what we have is all we need. Many people are materialistic. Which I honestly can say I’m not. Ask anyone who knows me. I always put everyone else’s needs before my own. My money I rather use to make others happy and have good times with people around me. I always say there’s just nothing I need or want. I bought a boat last summer best feeling in the world to actually finally own something. But why this part of the book got me. Nothing wrong with what I wrote. But I have been depressed for 5 1/2 years. Why cause I gave up a live that I thought was everything to me. My job, my apartment, my friends, my life, my everything!!! Why was I so stuck on all that??? Yes, my independence but I can always get that back ( which I will ) Yes, I don’t have a job that I go to everyday but I help take care of my nephew when my sister and her husband aren’t here, I clean, cook, and do other things around here. I don’t get paid but it keeps me busy. I don’t have my own home or apartment. I live with my sister. It does bother me that I don’t have my own but they took me in and don’t charge me anything. My friends…..really……..out of all of my friends 1 moved up here and my best friend from NY has never come up here to see me, doesn’t call me and randomly texts me ( like right now) all the rest nothing not one email, text, card in the mail. NOTHING! My Life what life…….I worked for a courier service. I worked 10 hrs in the office call taking then made deliveries with my friend ( who moved up here ) for MTV, VH1, Showtime, HBO and other companies. I worked 24-7 hardly any sleep. Why? to pay my rent which was $1450, put food in my fridge, pay my gas & electric, my phone bill , my cellphone bill, my cable and whatever other bills I had. I was always stressed out!!!
I was so stuck on a crappy life I had. Why? I realized how stupid I have been when I went off to my friend here. How I gave up everything to be with my family. I gave up my friends to be here. After I went of on my friend I realized what I had said and how hurtful the things I said were. I realized that the only thing I really missed was my independence. My job, my apartment and my life in NY was killing me………I had no life. My friends they really weren’t true friends. My NY life really wasn’t everything. My life now is! I enjoy being in my sister’s home watching and helping my nephew grow up. I made such amazing friends here and they aren’t friends with me cause of money. My best friend I made up here is truly amazing! Always there for me no matter how much I drive her crazy. After 5 1/2 years finally opening my eyes to realize I am thankful for the life I made here. Less stress, with family and with real true friends. I apologize to my best friend for making it sound like my friends from NY were more important to me. They truly are not. You have done more for me in many ways than any of them have ever done. You should me what a true friendship is all about. If I would have never moved here I would have missed out on so many wonderful things I now have in my life. I am so grateful and thankful for these 5 1/2 years to realize what real life is all about. It’s truly is amazing!!!! Enjoy your weekend everyone!! xoxoxox Time to workout!!
Today was an off day for the gym. I didn’t want to go without a day without some sort of exercise so I jumped on the treadmill ………5 minute baby!!!! 1 more minute longer than the other day!!! Omg what a great feeling!!!
A couple of post back I posted that I was reading this book Simple Abundance by Sarah Ban Breathnach and I want to make comments on parts of the book that I read. This book is helping me think of things and get through things and I want to share with all my thoughts then in turn for you to think about it.
This one part was “The Woman You Were Meant to Be” It asked if this ever happened to you? Your washing your face and suddenly you don’t recognize the person staring back at you in the mirror. Psychologists call this a phenomenon a ” displacement of self,” happens usually during times of stress. This has happened to me and I first noticed it a couple of months after my Mom died and I moved out of NY to be here with the rest of my family. It’s been 5 1/2 years since my Mom died and I’m starting to recognize that person in the mirror again. I gave up everything to be here. I fell into a depression that really I only knew how bad it was. I gave up my job, my apartment, my friends, my independence and I lost my Mom but what I realize now is through all that I gave up on myself. Poor me Poor me. Life sucks blah blah blah! Who is that person in the mirror???? What happened to that chick when life gave her lemons she made margaritas?? What happen to that woman that no one could stop? That strong independent woman? It took me 5 1/2 years to find that person again. This past month has been such an eye opener! Letting go of things has made me breath better made me happier. Letting go inspired me to be the person I wanna be not the person everyone else wants me to be. Live for myself and not for everyone else. Stop being afraid of looking in the mirror and seeing me as the person I’ve become but look in the mirror and telling myself I’m going to be that person I imagine myself to be when I’m not looking at myself in the mirror. I look in the mirror now yes I see an overweight woman in a wheelchair but I don’t get upset anymore looking I tell that person in that mirror ” You are going to lose that weight and you are going to get rid of that chair” We all need to look at ourselves in the mirror. To find the real you! I avoided mirrors and pictures cause I didn’t want to see the real me. I was afraid to look to see the mess I’ve become. Always worried about how others see me meanwhile I was afraid to see me for me. I now look in the mirror everyday and I tell myself everyday you got this girl! I look in that mirror in a whole new way now. The only person who can change that person you see in the mirror is the person looking in the mirror. I’m so glad I finally realized that.